


Mistakes might have led us here

by Saubree



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV), The Vampire Diaries - L. J. Smith
Genre: 'Friend' in the summary is really the narrator, Angst, First tag is not at all graphic but it is better to tag it anyway just to be sure, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, In this fic. Damon actually turned Stefan, M/M, Some experiences are shared but he is not meant to be a physical person, but life is what it is, they love eachother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 10:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11712102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saubree/pseuds/Saubree
Summary: A friend helps Stefan come to terms with the knowledge that Damon may be dead.A recount of everything that's happened since Damon turned him... so long ago.Recently edited.





	Mistakes might have led us here

It hurts that it’s your brother, that he, of all, has betrayed you. Because you love him and he loves you, isn’t it? It’s what you keep telling yourself, except you know it isn’t true. It feels like a game he has been playing. All these years, throughout it all, he has only ever used you and you can only look back and find a life full of horrors.

 

He is dead now, that’s what the news say. It isn’t true, you know that: An explosion!... As if something like that could kill someone as good as him. 

 

But he isn’t here, and his letter worries you. He is not the kind of men who would send you an anagram for no reason... He loves you and knows how much you like those little things.

 

Thinking of his endless games in the dark, your moans on his skin, your crying upon learning a truth that, hell, both knew you knew… you can only wonder who is the most pathetic if he, who cannot spend a day without being with you, who hurts the only one who can help him, who has ever helped him. Or you, who is not afraid to look away so as not to witness his actions, his massacres. You, living in ignorance because that makes you happier.

 

“They are just people,” you say. But they aren’t really _just_.

 

...Sometimes the pain, the grief is so great that you cannot bear it and you think 'it is normal', you can cope with it as long as he is with you, as long as he makes you forget everyone... all those who ever hurt you and, even more importantly, all those who you have hurt.

 

Hurt, yes. Because everyone you let him maim, kill, and drink… they are all your secrets and sins as well.

 

Over the years the only thing on your mind, the only thing you have wanted and wished for is to have him close to you. To let him touch you and erase it all. But you also want to make him forget his sorrows and pains... by means of your body, your touch or your simple presence. Because then, you forget that there is another person to comfort in the room. Forget how weak you are and that you cannot stop hurting inside. You do it for him but you really do it for yourself.

 

He is everything. You know it, you feel it. So what if he's dead, will it end? Again and again you told him that you would die at the precise moment he did. It was something born not from love but from despair because if not him, then who would help you remove those thoughts? who would save you from yourself? Who would take away the shadow of all those who will come to accompany you so you may not be alone and spring in you all those secret wishes, all the regrets: why aren’t you able to return in time, to do everything possible and more (so much more) to save them.

 

You would give everything for not having turned on them and their pain and suffering.

 

_“Don’t look, Stefan.” He would say with a smile. “Look other way, where things are pink and roses continue to be white.”_

 

And you would do it. Turn around and walk out. Imagining being somewhere else where he stood without blood and pieces of flesh hanging from his mouth and, above all, a place where he did not have that look, the one that reminded you of all the pain he hid. The pain you knew tormented him.

 

‘Cause after all, he is you brother you knew him like no one else did or does.

 

You knew that even if you hated him and fought every time he tracked you down to a new home with people who cared and you cared for, it was all an act. Every time he broke in and your face turned into a menacing grimace. Every time you pretended to care about the compassionate looks and the gestures of contempt that the Community gave you when you went to one of their ‘events’ with him, arms intertwined and walking pleasantly beside him (as good as wearing a chain in your neck, with the other end in his hand).

 

Dear Stefan, always pretending to be upset because of his control over you.

 

Your gaze brightened when you felt him a mile away. You knew he was coming. For you. To take you and claim you. The really sad thing is that you couldn’t spend more than a couple years without him. The shadows returned and that incessant thought, the death wish, came back to you. Killing yourself… it would fix everything, would not it?

 

You were always more peaceful with him.

 

He did not care to chase you, he did not care for your 'escapes' because in the end he needed his time to hunt, because he did not do it with you present anymore, he fed in your absence now. It did not bother him to find you and pretend to be the bad guy who did not like to share or let you out of his grip.

 

It did not bother him because it was the least he could do for you, after all.

 

 

Oh, Stephan, you cannot feed yourself alone. What would you do now that it seems he is gone? Tell me. Did you even love him? Or it was him you needed and not vice versa?

 

Tell me.

 

He loves you- loved you, well, the only certain thing is that he did love you, at some point, really long ago. First as a brother and then as a man, as a friend, as the only person in the world who understood and loved him as he was.

 

 

When he transformed you, you left him and for years that worked very well in deed, until you found him in that hospital, drunk with blood, no sense to his moves.

 

And you took him with you. You told him that you loved him and that you would do anything for him, finally you understood what he wanted, what he needed when he made you his equal. And he loved you, he drank you, he claim you.

 

The attempt you made to change him and make him into your own image, to simply stop with the blood. Remember how it turned out?

 

He escaped the barriers, tried to run in search of blood. Searched for the enchanted key to get out of the small fortress you called home. Broke into your room, found you alone...

 

He fed on you, for all the good it make. Took you with more strength than ever. He asked for forgiveness the next morning when he saw you, when he realized you were dying beside him with blood everywhere: your mouth, your neck, your chest, your legs, your crotch. He remembered what he had done, remembered what _he_ had done to _you_ …

 

'Not again' he thought and tried to help, at least it’s what he said while he tore his wrist and brought it to your mouth, you drank, you drank like never before and when you were satiated and your wounds healed, he wouldn’t let you stop. Wanted you to keep drinking to see him suffering, witnessing how his strength, his life left him. Because of you. Dammit, by your own hands, your own mouth.

 

… You promised to never separate, you would feed together, he would protect you, you would never have to kill again.

 

He loved you, of course. But Damon did not do it for you. He needed someone; vampires need couples so that they are not attacked by one.

 

 

You witnessed all those deaths in the hands of your brother and then you drank to continue living. The first time you tried to escape he had beaten you and abused you so much that even the Community extended a punishment for it.

 

After that, you let him do what he wanted and he let you do what you wanted. The second time, you remember how good you felt when you left, that momentary joyfulness only compared to the void so pronounced when you realized that you could not do it, now you needed him. Everything came back if he didn’t hunt those ghosts and got you out of that world of shadows.

 

You were about to die when he found you. He did not say a word, simply kissed you and whispered that it was fine, he would never force you to see all that again: the massacres and the blood. He would not, not again, ever.

 

You love him. He cares/loves and it is all too passionate.

 

He never did it again, in fact, he did not force you to do anything, you fled when you wanted and you came back as if nothing had happened, not even time. He let you go but he never let you _pretend_. He simply knew you, tracking you down and getting you out of a life that didn’t belong to you, where you would not be happy. So many died.

 

…You ever wondered why he killed them so violently whenever he found you? You belong together, yes. But were you to ever leave, he, _his heart_ , will only take it for a trade. A broken heart for a mended one, if you will. And they did not have the ability to mend yours. 

 

Deep down you know he let you do all this because he knew how broken you were inside. You need him and he needs you. _He made sure of it._ (He has regrets, you must understand, but life is what it is). All this, to keep you by his side. It’s almost what every person wishes for their chosen ones to do… just not in this way. 

 

 

You shouldn’t have let him destroy you so intimately, but he is… he was, the only one who helped you not to fall, and now that he is not here anymore you have two options: die with him as you promised or do the one thing he always enticed you to do and the only conviction that is really yours; Go out, be free. Very, very deep in the kind of knowledge that comes from a dream, you know he always wanted you to do it, to stop hiding. ‘Stop whining, baby brother’.

 

You could honor that. After all, it is the only thing he never really messed with. What will you do now? You must choose between remaining as you are or changing and forgetting your fears, 'face your ghosts' he said once. Will you? Will you face them, for him, for you? it doesn’t matter, face them and recover your life.

 

Forgive yourself. Help others but first save yourself, you need it now that he is not here anymore, your safe place is gone, in a couple months the ghosts will return, threatening to take you with them. It is up to you facing them or letting them lead you to your death. 'Be happy' he would say sometimes, a shit-eating grin pasted on his face and you would completely ignore him. ‘Please be happy’ he is saying again now, in that damn letter. Will you ignore it?

 

Really? Is only now that you understand he also suffered because of you? Come on, you knew that too.

 

Tell me the instant you make a decision; I want to see the birth of a man or the end of a martyr. 

 

 

PS: I never said I did not care, Stefan. There is a third option: Damon is not dead.

R.S Davis

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this :) I'm not a native english speaker and this is the first plot-bunny that has come to me demanding to be written entirely on english, so it would be lovely to have grammar mistakes and the like pointed out to me :)
> 
> Complete title: Mistakes might have led us here, but nevertheless decisions is what we are made of.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments as you might like. I will greatly appreciate them.


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